A Birthday Braindump
Quantum leaping. Innate knowledge. Lessons from 34. And birthday wishes.
WHEW I didn’t learn a damn thing at 34!
Let me stop playing lol.
Is it fair to say I didn’t learn anything new though? That I am just getting back on track with what younger me has always known? Has always wanted. I believe we have predestined check points we have to hit in life. The only free will we hold is the means and method to getting there. There were some lessons that needed to be repeated because I insisted on settling. Spaces I’ve long outgrown I tried to shrink back into. (I stopped drinking years ago. I used to party out the country with a fake id as a teen. I did things early. So it’s no surprise I prefer book clubs and hikes to dancing on top of tables now.)
You see, I don’t think I’m better than anyone because of the talents I’m blessed with. BUT people tend to think I’m too good for them :) and better than them (more on that later) . I am just obedient to my gifts so things seem to magically happen for me. I think it’s regular. I am not impressed with myself or anyone else because I give the universe credit. But being seen as some mythical creature others you. You’re put on a pedestal, you’re not allowed to be human and receive basic human care. Well at least it feels like I’m not. Whenever I’m vulnerable it’s met with surprise that I’m actually a person. I told a friend about some real ghetto shit I was going through and her response was “these are not the type of problems you have” like I was above the messiness of this earthly experience. I’m supernatural right? Turning led to gold, plywood to props, crafting any creation that comes to mind. I don’t have needs.
Trust me I tried to be normal, want normal things, live a small life and be accepted. And each time l’m violently removed from the shrunken path. Reminded that I’m destined for greater and average is nothing to aspire to no matter how lonely I get. And boy does that loneliness ache and make me act out of desperation sometimes.
I told my therapist “ idk why I keep trying to make myself want things I don’t really want.” ( ig. more kids, a monogamous relationship, smallness.)
I want to benefit from patriarchy bad if thats even a thing. And by benefit I mean just have 2 incomes and less responsibilities. Hold the man who wants me to live in his shadow and help make his long gone professional athlete dreams come true. Keep the servitude, give me the built in support system. I’ve been trying to give away my autonomy because I’ve been taking care of myself since a I was a literal child. At least emotionally. So we are way beyond decision fatigue here. However, I always end up the leader. I’m not a feminist I don’t want equality. I want women to take their rightful place on the throne. I don’t feel like stroking anyone’s ego and act like a damsel in distress who needs saving so they can feel good about themselves. I digress another thing I’ll talk about later lol.
In my dream the other night a dear old friend was crying. She said, “ How many families do I have to go through before I get to my own?”. This really blew me. My Achilles heel. Never ever wanting to be a parent ( I love my son, he’s the best kid out. Was never in my life plan though. ) but finding myself a single one at that. One that lives 5 minutes away from family but lives her daily life in isolation without them. Feeling incomplete because I can’t create a family unit. But also not wanting it? Weird.
Truth is I want to be larger than life and my upbringing showed me being a caretaker gets in the way. I want to live grand not in an attention seeking whore type of way cuz I hate bitch who wanna be famous for the fuck of it. But respected for my craft, held in high regard. Finish my anthropology degree and publish research papers on jewelry as archive. Curate exhibitions, travel to teach lectures. Idk the limit does not exist. I can get bored of one subject and go study another. Win every award, switch careers and live on a farm with my homegirls later in life.
The last few months have taken me back to my factory settings. I finally remember that idgaf about anything enough to permanently attach myself to it. I like my load light. My intuition dialed in. And most of all I like being me.
I’m navigating the shifts and surrendering to the transformation.
Following the bread crumbs my highest self left me to find my way back.
And getting back to being a bitch has freed me. (See my study guide for being a no nonsense woman here)
Shoutout to my Scorpio and Capricorn stelliums!! Having all this info about myself and still being so damn hard headed is funny. My Chiron says everything for me comes later in life. My impatience and lack of faith had me settling and giving up hope. But God keeps their promises.
I feel like I’m coming home to myself. 35 is the year of the great return. I’m done denying the God in me. If you’re like hearted you can roll with me if not you probably already got left.
Thank you for reading my semi- annual non sequential rant 🫶🏾
